My Spring Break
by Larry the Fat Frat Boy


"Spring break! Woot!" I screamed as I grabbed one of the pledges by the hair, spun him around 23 times, and hurled him headfirst against a wall causing his skull to split in several small, strangely perfectly rounded pieces.

 

"alright! Bring on the hot weather and the hotter chicks! It's party time!"


I ran down the hall with my frat paddle waving in front of me. I was finally out of here! For one week, I was free!  I burst out the front doors, accidentally shattering their glass panes as I did so. That frat paddle packed more of a punch than I sometimes gave it credit for. As I walked off, however, I found myself wondering how a paddle could pack a punch without having a fist. This rather distracting thought caused me to trip over the 57 bottles of beer that were, for some reason, lying at the bottom of the frat house stairs. I heard a muffled curse, and then issued one myself. Broken glass was everywhere, and I had been horribly cut, but that is not why I cursed. The beer was ruined! All of it was forever lost! I mourned its loss for a moment, and then was approached by a midget in a Pirate's outfit.

 

"Arhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrh," growled the midget pirate. "Why yee be knockin over me stepladder?"

 
"What?" I harumphed back at him as I stood up, still in tears. "You mean you put these beer bottles here?"


"arhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrh, of course I did lad. Ya see, I have some trouble getting meself up these 'ere starhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhs, so I thought I'd build me a stepladder and--"


"So you never thought to drink the beer first? It's all ruined now!"


The midget pirate glanced down at the spilled beer, seeming to realize only now what had really happened. "Arhrhrhr Arhrhrhrhrhrh Arhrhrhrhrhrhrh Arhrhrhrhrhrhrh," he cried. "Yee be right, laddy. Shiver me timbers, what have I done?"


Not wanting to deal with the fool anymore, I kicked him in the side of the head and walked off. My Spring break wasn't going to be like this, I told myself. I wasn't going to let this get to me. I walked on, and suddenly caught my frat paddle in a tree. I tried to pull it from the branches, but apparently the tree wanted it more than I did. After a long struggle, I let it keep the paddle. Obviously my Spring break was going to be like this.

 
I stole a boat. This should not surprise you, as we frat boys aren't given our own boats like those lucky adventurers are. I mean, what kind of deal is that? They go on vacation so many times and they get their own boat? Talk about unfair! Anyway, I hopped into my stolen boat and shoved off. It was then that I noticed an orcish sorority girl floating calmly in another boat nearby. Time for me to do some flirting.

 

"Hey," I called. "Is that a mirror in your pocket cause... Uh... Cause my hair looks really good."

 
She slapped me in the face. I don't know how she did this, as she was in a completely different boat. I didn't think much of it though. (It wasn't the first time I had been slapped). I rowed away from the island, contemplating what I would make the pledges do when I got back. I got so lost in thought that I didn't see the door in the middle of the water until I had crashed into it. My boat split right down the middle and I was thrown excruciatingly high into the air. A large chunk of my boat struck me square in the head taking four hit points and knocking me back. And so there I was, standing in knee-deep water right in front of this weird door. I stood there for six hours trying to figure out what I should do next. Finally I decided that the best course of action would be just the one nobody would expect. I was going to open the door!

 
I gently turned the knob and pulled the door open. Suddenly, I was hit in the head by a shovel, a pair of beer lenses, a microwave oven, a crystal goblet labeled "FIRE," an autographed copy of "Wind in the Willows," a big screen television, six boxes of brownie mix, four playing cards, and a jar of turtle wax.

 

"Hey!" a voice called out from far away. "You want to get to Seaside Town, right?"


"Uh, yeah!" I yelled back just as I was bonked by a chocolate-covered pineapple.


"Well then you have to push the door!"


What? That shouldn't matter, should it? You wouldn't think so, but you would be wrong. Having no real other choice, I closed the door, turned the knob once again, and pushed inwards. This time, I stared in awe at the sewer entrance in Seaside town! I pulled myself up and out of the suddenly dirty water, quickly brushing myself off as best I could. I decided I had had enough for the day. I bolted past the market demon, who called frantically after me saying that if I didn't come back and buy something I would find out what "or else" always meant. I ran through the wrong side of the tracks, quickly spray painting "this day sucks!" on the graffiti wall. Come to think of it, I have no idea where I got the paint I used. One second it was in my hand, and it was just gone after I used it. It sort of reminded me of the time I hit some dude with a flyswatterswatter. Same thing happened with that.


So anyway I ran all the way home, burst through the door, (I broke that one too), and greeted my mom. "Hey mom dude!" I called out.


"Larry," she yelled back in a voice that made me think of metal spikes scraping across a chalkboard. "One more word out of you and I'll remind you why you should never put tinfoil in the microwave!"


"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked her. To this, there was no response. "Ok, mom. Whatever you say."


I ran up to my room and slammed the door. It broke. I hurled my bag 'o school stuff at the wall. The wall broke. I flopped down on my bed. It didn't break, but from the sudden and loud creak, I'd say it was about to. With visions of sorority girls dancing in my head, I went to sleep.


I had a dream that night. I dreamt that I was approached at my bedside by the ghost of the knob goblin king. "Hey you!" he called out to me. "You in the bed! Wake up!"


"Huh? Wah?" I replied, obviously not as alert as one might think a hardened frat boy would be.


"Wake up and stuff! I've got something to tell you! It's really important!"


Finally alert, I spoke. "What? What is it?"


"I hate you," the knob goblin king replied. "I hate you, and I hate spring break. I'm going to end this whole stupid tradition! Gwahahahahahahahahahahahah!"


"What? But why?"


"I always reincarnate," he explained. "I always come back to life with a brand new crown and some brand new HP, but that stupid harem girl trick gets me every time! All those stupid adventurers dress themselves up like my harem girls just so they can attack me. And ya know what? It's worse during Spring break! Everyone has more time to adventure, and that means I die even faster! It's not fun, Larry."


"How do you know my name?"


"I don't know how I know you're name, and frankly I don't care. Heed my warning.

 

I'm gonna stop this Spring break, and then I'm going to rule the kingdom! Gwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" With that, he began to fade. However, just before he completely disappeared, he spoke again. "Oh, and one more thing," he said ominously. "This is not a dream! Gwahahahahahahahaha!"


I awoke, or didn't awake, in a cold sweat. Was this all really true? Was he really going to stop spring break? That would, like, totally suck! I had to do something before he did!


I sat up quickly. It was almost morning anyhow. I had to get out there and save the kingdom! Nobody else knew about this but me! "Larry," my mom called from downstairs in a voice that could kill even the most powerful of dragons, "Did ya hear the news? The knob goblin king's gonna stop spring break forever!"


Ah, so apparently other people did know. Oh well, I had the determination, and I had the frat paddle! Er, wait, I didn't have the frat paddle, but I had the determination. I was gonna do this! Yay for me!


I jumped from the bed, ran out of the room, leaped down the stairs and ran out the front door. Well, I ran out what was left of the front door. Once in the street, I stopped. Where would I go first? How would I venture to solve this problem? Why don't they make the Chocolate Rock at Dairy Queen anymore? My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice. "Hey yo, check it. Homey on the block."


Turning around, I saw him. He was a very very very white boy who was always trying to be a gangster. He liked to call himself Gangsta Gary, double G, or big double G. He didn't have a chance. "Yeah," I replied. "I'm your homey alright."


"Nah, man, check it. Homey on the block!"


It was then that I noticed the small rectangular wooden block he was holding in his hand. Carved crookedly into the block was the word homey. "It's crooked," I told him.
"Straight up, homey," he replied.


Still not following him, I answered "No, crooked homey."


He gave a sigh and spoke again. "Look, man. I just want you to know something."


"What's that?" I asked.


He walked up behind me and patted my shoulder. "I gotchya back."


With that, he ran off. I tried to turn around and see where he was going, but I couldn't move. Suddenly, I had an awful realization. He actually did have my back! He stole it from right under my, well, under my neck! "Hey!" I called in terror. "Bring me back my back! Bring my back back! Back, come back!"


"Want to borrow mine?" asked a passing spooky pirate skeleton. "I don't think I'm using it."

 
"Whew!" I replied. "Thanks! You're a real lifesaver."
"Don't mention it," replied the skeleton, who I thought was very well spoken for a pirate, especially a dead one.


The skeleton stepped in front of me and, after some pulling and prodding, I managed to remove his entire back half. He promptly fell apart. Poor thing. Oh well, I had back now. With considerable effort, I managed to hook it in the right place, carefully sticking the pixels together where they needed to be stuck. The skeletal back reformed itself into my old back, which I thought was very nice of it. "Thank you, skeletal back," I said aloud. Thankfully, nobody heard me.


After a time, I decided that I would head to the limerick dungeon and see if I could find any clues there. I strolled to the town dungeons with new confidence and a new back as well. Approaching the limerick dungeon, I found myself wondering if I was really looking for clues in the right place. Oh well, it was too late now. I stepped inside. Almost immediately, I was accosted by a giant pencil! It said:


"Right now you are in the wrong place,
and you bugs are a giant disgrace.
So get out of my sight,
you pesky termite,
or I'll pencil punch you in the face!"


"Uh," I replied shakily. "I'm, uh, not a termite. I was just--"


"One more word your pain shall be doubled.
Get out now. You've caused enough trouble.
So exit my hood,
and don't touch my wood,
or I'll beat you like MJ beat bubbles!"


"But I..." Too late. The punch I received was enough to knock the teeth out of a giant comb, and it was only after I had flown backwards, landed on the hard ground outside the dungeons, gotten up, and realized that all my teeth were missing did I consider the fact that pencils didn't have hands. Oh well, stranger things have happened. I turned away from the limerick dungeon, and that's when the revelation hit me. No really, it hit me right in the head! I never thought I'd see what a revelation looked like, but it filled my view just before it knocked me unconscious.


"Hey," whispered a soft voice in my ear. "Wake up!"


"Who are you?" I asked as my brain slowly began trying to obey her command.
"I'm the spunky princess!" she replied happily. "And I'm here to help you on your quest to stop the knob goblin king! Isn't that sweet of me?"


"Terribly sweet," I replied, not knowing what else to say. She was beautiful. I realized this when I was finally awake enough to gaze upon her. She had the type of beauty that made you want to agree with everything she said. I think she knew it too. "Yes," I repeated for no reason. "It's so wonderfully terrifically sweet of you."
"I know!" she giggled. "Now I'm sure you're wondering exactly how you're supposed to stop this knob goblin king, are you not?"


"Well yeah," I admitted. "I guess I haven't really gotten around to forming a plan yet. What should I do?"


"Fight him, duh," she replied. "Kill that stupid king."


"But he'll just come back!"


"Yeah, but he'll be so mad that you killed him, he'll forget all about this whole spring break thing and swear to end your life if it's the last thing he does! See how perfect it is?"


"Woe woe woe," I snapped. "End my life? No! That's so not cool!"


"Yes it is," she replied smiling sweetly at me.


I suddenly realized that she was right. It was cool. It was really cool. Everything was really super cool. I smiled back. "You're right," I said, my own voice softening a little. "You're absolutely right. Everything will be just fine. But how am I supposed to fight him?"


"I can help you with that," she replied. "Here. Take this umbrella. Use it to pierce his dark heart."


"But this is one of your titanium assault umbrellas!" I cried out. "Won't you need it?"
I've got plenty. I won't miss it. Oh, and I can teleport you right to him! Isn't that just the sweetest thing?"


"Well sure," I said taking the umbrella. "But isn't that--"


I was too late. She had already done it! I stood in the knob-goblin king's throne room! I looked around really really quickly. He was there, but his back was turned to me as he addressed a group of knob goblins. "Hear yee, hear yee," he proclaimed. "I'm fed up with death, and now is the time for action. I'm going to abolish Spring break forever! Gwahahahahahahahahahaha!"


All the knob goblins took up the laugh, and he just kept going. "Well," I thought. "Looks like this here is my opportunity."


I stepped forward, out of the shadows. All the other knob goblins stopped laughing and gasped suddenly. The king, however, did not. He just kept laughing like a maniac! I took another step closer, then another, raising my umbrella. A few of the knob goblins started clearing their throats and trying to get the king's attention, but he just kept right on laughing. Finally I stepped right up to him, pulled my arm back, and plunged the titanium assault umbrella into the knob goblin King's back. There was a satisfying grunt as his laughter ceased, and he crumpled forward and landed hard on the ground. Every knob goblin in the place took one look at me and ran off. I felt pretty cool right then. "Well, guess that was easy," I proclaimed aloud.


Then I started thinking, and I made my second horrifying realization of the day. "Awwww, this whole Spring break sucks!" I shouted. My realization was this. I had no way out. I had been teleported here, and I didn't know Cob's Knob well enough to leave. Also, I would be all alone when the knob goblin King reincarnated again. Uh-oh.

The End.