The Adventures of Bill: On the Grill

 

                That stupid idiot Bill is at it again with another crazy story, and this time he's gone crazier than ever. He's decided that it's time he had a barbecue. "I'm going to invite all my friends," he said cheerfully. "It's going to be great!" Unfortunately, his dilusions blinded him to the real truth. It wasn't going to be a great time, it was actually really going to suck.

 

                Bill started the day of the barbecue like any other day. He was beaten by his mother, verbally abused by his father, and laughed at by Brandon. He didn't care though. This was a special day. Well, that's certainly what his brain told him. If only he had read his horroscope.

 

                It's time!" he cried as he almost chopped off one of his fingers while trying to pick up a stake knife. Things had gone bad before that, though. He had finally realized that he had no friends and so he couldn't invite anyone. He would just have to do this on his own.

 

                Things only got worse when he found out that the cow he was going to turn into hamburger was still alive. Now we all know that Bill couldn't hurt a fly, and he most definitely couldn't hurt a cow. And it was because of this that he just kind of stood there.

 

                The cow didn't really appreciate being so close to something that could kill it, and it got angry. You see, it didn't realize that Bill couldn't kill it. It was quite a paranoyed cow, and it was also a fisty one. When it got angry, it got violent. So it kicked Bill squarely in the croch area. After waiting a few seconds and realizing that this had no effect on Bill save to surprise the heck out of him, the cow stood up straight and started doing the electric slide. "Is that cow really still alive?" Bill asked the empty air.

 

                "Yes it is, Bill," the empty air responded. "And if you have any more questions, ask the grill."

 

                "Does that cow want to brutally slaughter me?" Bill asked the grill.

 

                "It sure does Bill," the grill said cheerfully. "He's all hot under the collar and he's really burning up with hatred for you. His temper is flaming hot and he's sizzling mad. In fact you could say that he really wants to deep fry you. He..."

 

                "Shut up!" cried Bill. "I get it. Now I have one more question. Why is he doing the electric slide?"

 

                The grill didn't get time to answer because at that moment the answer was revealed. During the pivital turn of the dance, the cow lifted up its hoof and kicked Bill right in the head. The cow laughed its little cow laugh as Bill tumbled slowly to the ground. It only took a minute and a half for him to land. The cow picked up the lifeless Bill in both hands and prepared to exact its revenge.

 

                Well the cow got right up to the grill before his whole plan, his whole life, was ruined. When Bill fell, he happened to land in a large puddle of water that had been left by the enpty air, who had accidentally spat while talking to Bill. This made Bill very slippery. As the cow got up to the grill, Bill slipped right out of its grasp. Bill landed safely on the ground, still thankfully unconscious. The cow reached down to pick him up again, but tripped in the process. That darn cow fell face-first on the steaming grill, which was now laughing at the stupid cow who couldn't even win a battle with Bill. The grill shot up its flame a little higher, making sure that the cow was nice and crispy. Yes, Bill had won this epic battle...

 

even though he slept through most of it.