Well what do you know? No seriously, what exactly do you know? Ah it doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that you’ve reached the story section of this most wonderful site. Here is where you can read some of the craziest, zaniest, wackiest, strangest, and in some peoples’ opinion, funniest things I’ve ever written. Just click on any of the links below and make sure you’re heeding the warning found on the front page. Oh, and no operating heavy machinery either. That would be… Well… hazardous. And now, without further adue,
the stories you came here to read!
This one’s for all you Kingdom of Loathing players out there. I wrote this story as a submission in a writing contest that was being held by a clan in KOL. The idea was that you write a real crazy Spring Break story. I thought to myself, "Hey! Wouldn’t this be a splendid time to write a KOL Spring Break Fan Fic? Of course it would!" And so I did, and here it is. To other readers, read it anyway. You won’t get some of the jokes, but I think it should still give you a laugh regardless..
This is the first story of this strange and insane type I ever wrote. I was simply experimenting with the idea of letting my sense of humor run away with itself. Or maybe it ran away with Stephen King or something. Anyway, this is a strange tale of a boy that just won’t die! Evil, isn’t it? Enjoy!
I wrote this story simply because I wanted to write one. I don’t know what I was thinking, I just wanted a new story and new characters and this is what I got..
This story, er, I should say this series, came off a crazy idea. My friend Casey and I were discussing some of the stories I had already written, and we thought it was time for yet another new character. Enter Bill, the character who is hated by everybody and is too wimpy to do anything about it. Well, maybe the fact that he has memory problems has something to do with it. Or maybe the fact that he’s a human hand has something to do with it. Either way, Bill sucks. That’s what makes him funny. This is Bill’s first adventure, and what an adventure it is.
What can I say? Another Bill story. There’s Bill, and there’s tunafish. Read and learn more.
Bill’s attempt at a barbecue. If you’ve read the other stories, you can imagine how this is going to go..
"What?" You’re asking. "Where are all the rest of the Bill stories?" Well don’t worry, there are more, but first, due to events that occur just before Bill4, we must take a Bill break and go through some other stories first. You see, Bill has to make a special appearance in an upcoming story before the series can continue. Until then, enjoy this, a tale of an utterly insane pilot and his trip to Hell. Sound interesting? No? Well just read it anyway..
This story is about a wheel. Yep, a wheel. There’s nothing wrong with your monitor, or in some cases, your screen reader. This wheel is one of a race of wheels and lives a very strange and troubled existence. Want to learn more? Read on.
Ok, there’s a lot you need to know about this story before you read. Why? Because the story won’t be funny if you don’t read this stuff first, and then the purpose of this site would be defeated, and then I would be ruined, and that would suck. With that in mind, this is what you’ve got to know:
This is a fanfic about a video game known as Shenmue 2. The first Shenmue was released on the sega dreamcast, and the second was released on the Xbox. The game came straight out of Japan, and the voices were dubbed over in English. This brings me to my next point.
The voice acting in Shenmue 2 is absolutely horrendously terrible. This is the main point that this story makes fun of. Everyone has their very specific way of speaking. Rio never has any enthusiasm to his voice until, usually out of nowhere and at odd moments, he decides he’s going to yell something. Joy always yells no matter what she’s saying, Wong keeps saying Rio’s name, and Renn’s just obnoxious.
Oh, and Rio has a couple habits that I make fun of. First, he has this habit of asking for directions to a place that’s almost right by him. This gets rather annoying, especially if he’s standing right in front of the door to said place. Second, he has this habit of repeating what people say and stating the obvious. But then, he’s not the only one, and that brings me to my next topic, Du Lin.
There’s a point in the game where you get a job hauling crates from one place to another. The crates are too heavy for one person, so Du Lin is assigned to help you carry them. While you two are walking, Du Lin will suddenly shout out directions to you. Left! Right! That sort of thing. If you press the proper buttons, the carrying of the crate goes smoothly. If you do not, you drop the crate. And that brings me to my final point, QTE sequences.
QTE sequences in Shenmue are moments in the game during which you have to press a certain button at a certain time to achieve something. The crate-carrying job is one example, but there are several other moments as well. For example, there is a time when you have to jump from a ledge to the back of a truck. The whole thing is automatic until the button pops up. If you press nothing or press the wrong button, another scene will show Rio making the jump improperly and missing the truck completely. IF you press the right button, however, he lands safely. Yay for him!
Whew! Glad that’s over. That should clear up most of the jokes in the story. Any jokes that aren’t clear now are probably event-specific, or I forgot to mention something. Feel free to gripe if that’s the case.
This story is gross. There’s no denying it. It’s just so frickin gross! Blah! Woe! Ok, so here’s how it is with this one. The kid in this story, Bob, is another of those unfortunate cases who has a bladder problem. However, this guy’s problem only occurs
when he thinks about the deliciousness of his mom’s fried chicken! Weird, I know, but just roll with it. This is just another of the characters you’ve got to be prepared for. Enjoy.
This is a classic story. Well, um, it’s not really all that classic but… Well anyway, this story is about a cop. Did you guess? Thought so. The characters in this tale include the cop, his car, a very good jelly doughnut, another chicken, some cows, some pigs, a doughnut shop owner, a very large man, some disgruntled reporters, and of course, a portable forklift. Enjoy!
Check it, yo. This here’s a story about a house! Wow! Now that oughta be interesting, stupid, or just plane wrong. Read on to find out!
That’s right, folks. It’s finally here. This is the one you’ve all been waiting for. This here’s the grand compilation story of all time. It takes most of the characters about
which you’ve already read, and throws them all together into one mind-bogglingly stupid tale of heroism, triumph, and… Ok, so none of those things are in there. Still, it’s long, and it’s hilarious! Read and enjoy. This was, by the way, a story I dedicated to my best friend Casey, as it was originally written for him, the guy who gets the most laughs from these works. Second, the only character you will not recognize is Bob’s schoolteacher, who appeared in a story that was lost in a horrendous disk failure which I will never forget. Be thankful that what’s still here is still here. Now read!
Uh-huh. I’m not kidding. Now that you’ve read the Boy 2, you are free to move on in the Bill series! Woot! I have actually been getting quite a few responses with Bill. Seems folks love him or something. Well, here’s the fourth installment, and it’s a cliffhanger! Ooooooo! So go on now, and read it!
Yeah, there’s a fifth one. Though, given the end of the fourth one, you probably already figured that out. This is the one where Bill surprises the whole entire world! So read on, my good people. Read on!